Are You the Good Girl?
I used to think that boundaries were something angry people did when they were done with you. Like a door slamming. Final. Cold. A declaration that you were out.
Nobody ever taught me that a boundary could be an act of love and that it could be warm and firm at the same time. I didn’t know that boundaries could say “I’m still here” and “this is not okay” in the same breath.
So for years, I did what a lot of women in the church do. I stayed too long, gave too much, and called it grace. I smiled through things that were slowly hollowing me out. I told myself that the discomfort I felt was just the cost of loving people well.
It wasn’t grace. It was the absence of a fence.
What Nobody Told You About Saying No
There is a version of Christian womanhood that gets passed down quietly, not always in words but in the air of a room. It sounds something like this: a good woman is always available. She doesn’t make things difficult. She puts others first, always, without negotiation.
On the surface, it sounds holy but underneath it is an assumption that has broken a lot of women– that your needs don’t matter as much as everyone else’s, that asking for space is a character flaw, and that saying NO is the same as not caring.
This is not God’s way.
The same Jesus who wept for Lazarus also walked away from crowds. The same One who healed ten lepers also told His disciples that it was time to go somewhere else. He was not reckless with His presence or His essence. He was intentional with it and that intentionality was not a deficiency of love; it was the very thing that made His love sustainable.
“Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed.” — Mark 1:35
He protected something. Consistently. On purpose. And what He protected made everything He gave possible.
A Fence Has a Gate. A Wall Has None.
Here’s the distinction I want you to sit with: a fence is not the same thing as a wall.
A wall is a trauma response with architecture. It goes up fast, usually after something has hurt us badly, and its whole purpose is to make sure nothing ever gets close enough to hurt us again. It doesn’t discern, it just blocks and while it might feel like protection, it’s actually isolation because it keeps out the good things alongside the harmful ones.
A fence is different. A fence has a gate. It defines where your property begins and where it ends, but it still allows for relationships. It communicates to people how they can engage with you in a way that is healthy and honoring. It doesn’t say “stay out forever.” It says “here is how you come in.”
That is what a healthy boundary does. It doesn’t shut people out. It teaches them how to stay and even the more it teaches them how to love you.
You Were Commanded to Do This
If you’ve ever felt guilty for protecting yourself, I want you to read this slowly:
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”— Proverbs 4:23
Above all else. That means before the ministry, before the service, before the YES, and before you take care of everyone in the room — guard your heart.
This isn’t a suggestion tucked in the middle of a psalm. It is a whole command and it is positioned above everything else for a reason; because a woman who does not guard her own heart eventually has nothing left to give from. She runs dry. She burns out. She resents the very people she was called to love.
Guarding your heart is not selfishness. It is stewardship birthed out of obedience. It is you taking seriously what God entrusted to you — your life, your capacity, your energy, and your calling.
💣 BIBLICAL BOMBSHELL: You cannot pour from a place you refuse to protect.
So the next time the guilt rises when you say NO, I want you to remember this: you are not abandoning people. You are stewarding what God gave you to steward which is YOU and that is one of the most faithful things you can do.
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Watch Build Fences, Not Walls on my YouTube channel here.
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